- Pregnancy is horrific.
- Giving birth is horrific
- The lack of sleep is horrific
- The constant googling because you haven't got a fucking clue how to take care of such a tiny human being is draining. "My baby has a rash" "My baby is not drinking all of her milk" "How can I stop the milk dribbling down the side of my baby's mouth when shes having her bottle?" (Yes I did google this once. Or twice)
- You will NEVER feel refreshed again. Ever.
- You won't be able to watch Loose Women or Escape to the country without hearing "I want CBeebies" over and over again like a parrot on acid.
- You will find yourself humming the tunes to 'Show me show me' and 'Me Too' and you won't be able to stop yourself. "I'm on my way to work today.." You'll wish you bloody were!
- The 'Mum guilt' is a feeling like no other. You feel guilty that you're not feeding them the right food, you feel guilty if someone babysits them so you can have a few hours of to gain some sanity back to your life. You feel guilty that you don't take them out enough. Especially when you see some other Mum posts on Facebook about how they've been out collecting leaves and sticks and they've created a leaf and stick collage that is so bloody wonderful while you've been sat in the house watching re-runs of 'Bing' on catch-up.
- The worrying
I worry that she'll get snatched, get dehydration if she doesn't drink enough, get cancer, get caught up in a blind cord (even though I don't have blinds) I worry that she will get meningitis, that she may run behind a car as it is reversing and get run over, that she will choke on her food, that she will pass away in her sleep, that she will fall down the stairs. If she happens to sleep past half 7 (a rarity) and I happen to wake up naturally (an even bigger rarity) my first instinct is to run to her room and check on her. If I'm at work and I hear a fire engine or an ambulance I will think that something terrible has happened at her nursery. I worry that as an only child, she will grow up not knowing what it's like to have a sibling to confide in/bicker with/chinese burn when they're doing your head in (even though she has a brother and sister on her Dad's side). I avoid reading news articles about children being harmed or killed or abducted as it fuels my paranoia more. I understand that to some, I may seem over-paranoid and crazy but I have a feeling I am not alone. I have googled a few times "I'm so scared my child will die before me" and read the forums and opinions of like-minded Mums. There were people on there saying how thinking in this way is causing harm to our children even though we are paranoid because we are shit scared of them coming to harm. They are perfectly valid in saying this and they are correct. Sub-consciously I am teaching my Daughter to fear the world even if all I want is her to be safe and loved and never feel scared.
A therapist once told me to break my concerns down to see how rational they really are. So when I said I was reluctant to let my Daughter go away for a couple of nights on holiday without me as I was worried she may get up in the night and there could be a carrier bag left about that she could potentially put over her head (yes I know I'm irrational and go completely over the top) she told me to break it down
- What's the chances of her waking up and getting out of bed.
- If she did get out of bed how likely is it that she will leave her room without being heard.
- If she did leave her room, what are the chances of there being a carrier bag lying about
- Has she ever gone near a carrier bag before (the answer being no), is she likely to put one over her head?
This method helps me alot when I my mind running is faster than Usain Bolt and jumping to all sorts of ridiculous conclusions although it doesn't always work. I know I will never stop worrying, all I can do is try and control it. The reason we worry is because we love our kids so bloody much and even though they drive us effing mental and we may say "I need a fucking break", we wouldn't be without them. Parenting is a bloody hard job. It's draining but amazing in equal measures (well maybe 60/40). Everybody's experience of parenting is different. Some people love the baby stage (I for one do not), some people love being pregnant (nope don't get that either). All that matters is that we're raising well-rounded, confident children and I will be doing all that I can to try and curb the bitch that is my own irrational mind. People seem confused when I say I don't want another child but it's each to their own.
Plus if there's ever a zombie apocalypse it's nice to have just the one to worry about.
The Kitschy Mumma